Ah, marketing blarney. The other day I noticed a big plastic bottle of body wash on a shelf. Let’s leave aside for the moment the fundamental question of how that’s different from soap, other than a higher price per oz., and look at the text on the back of the bottle. Hogwash for body wash.

I won’t give the brand any free advertising, however microscopic. Enough to say that it’s a well-known and longstanding brand of personal care products, owned by a conglomerate. Almost everyone my age with access to American TV in the latter years of the 20th century, and probably a good many people older and younger, could whistle its jingle, so catchy and ubiquitous it was.

Also know that the brand has long been aimed at men, encouraging them to be manly men who do manly things, and in no way ironically. Still seems to, as you will see.

Anyway, the body wash bottle has text in English and French, since I suppose Canadians buy it too. As follows:

Doesn’t leave you feeling dry or rob you of your dignity.

Hm.

Like wearing an armor of man-scent.

Armor’s an interesting choice. More manly than residue, I guess. But the last line was my favorite. It made me laugh. Out loud. Chuckle, that is.

Drop-kicks dirt, then slams odor with a folding chair.

French isn’t my language, but the French text seems to hew pretty close to the English, until that last line:

Lutte contre la salete et les odeurs et le envoice au tapis pour le compte grace a une impitoyable savate japonaise.

I won’t vouch for its accuracy, but I did find one online translation for the last part of that sentence that seems plausible: “Sends [odor] to the mat with a devastating Japanese roundkick.”

Maybe that’s what the French call a roundhouse kick, for reasons best known to them. Maybe not. I’m amused all the same.