Desiderata, Revised | Been There, Seen That

When I was young, I used to write parodies of all sorts of things — songs, as you might expect, but also such items as job applications and income tax forms. I came up with a parody of the first few chapters of the Book of Genesis that got some traction once at a high school speech tournament in the humorous reading category or some such. I made it to the semifinals, but was disqualified when the judges found out I’d written it myself; we weren’t supposed to be reading original material.

Juvenile works, but I was a juvenile. And juvenile silliness beats juvenile delinquency anytime.

Not long ago, I happened across an online mention of “Desiderata,” something I hadn’t thought about in years, and in re-reading it, my old instinct for parody woke up and yawned and stretched. Now that needs to be made fun of, I thought.

Further investigation revealed that the text is in the public domain now. Of course, you ought to be able to parody anything, regardless of its copyright status, but even so it was nice to know that I can play with the thing, no questions askable.

This is what I came up with.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and turn off that damned phone.

As far as possible without surrender

be on good terms with all persons, since that is less trouble.

Speak your truth quietly

and clearly; but remember people rarely listen anyway.

Listen to others,

since you never know what weird things you’ll hear.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, because

they are assholes, and who needs that?

If you compare yourself

with others, you’ll be upset, but you’ll do it all the same.

But at least you’ll be glad there are

lesser persons than yourself; that will make you feel better.

Enjoy your achievements as well

as your plans. Might as well.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time,

except when you are laid off and

find that your skills are obsolete.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; full stop.

Most people are actually honest,

but no one ever got rich being honest.

Many persons strive for high ideals,

and there is heroism, but mostly people just watch those things on TV and in movies.

Be yourself. Unless you’re an asshole, though you probably wouldn’t be self-aware enough to know that.

Especially, do not feign affection. Your partner will figure it out soon enough.

Neither be cynical about love;

it is as perennial as the grass. And dandelions.

Don’t expect love to be the same in middle age as in your youth.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, and act your age, for crying out loud.

Surrender the things of youth, or you’ll be ridiculous.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. Also, have some money in the bank.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness, or watching TV news that’s out to scare you for ratings.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself. Perfection is a delusion.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. Keep telling yourself that.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Keep telling yourself that, too.